KITCHEN BLACKER

I'm starting to feel a little more NORMAL in the new apartment now that we have black walls in the kitchen. They make me want to invite guests over for a fine dinner of goat's blood, couscous and a lovely orange salad.

I made the mistake of listening to Sonic Youth when I slapped up the first coat which made me question if it looked more like a shitty punk club than a sophisticated cookery. Luckily, the second coat was applied to a backdrop of James Blake, making the color choice feel like the only choice I could have made.

Hideously washed-out, dirty white, snagglebonch, boresville before picture

Admittedly, the kitchen is looking more MOODY BOHEMIAN than GLOBAL GOTH or HORROR DISCO right now with all the tan accents but I think I like it. 

Here's the more tolerable after. We still have a long way to go but at least it feels less like a prison's laundry room.

Look at those little dudes. We were talking about trying our hand at some sort of macrame hanging and then giving it a bright ombré dip for the spot next to the stairwell. Brandon used to teach underwater basket-weaving to boy scouts so I think he may have to take the reins on this one.

Here are those chairs we just got in a spectacle of airline textile majesty.

Picked up a foxtail fern too.

 If you had these shelves in your apartment and didn't want them to get cluttered but did want them to be functional, what would you do?

The artwork in the nook is a 1970's, slightly penisy, mass-produced miracle by "Letterman". I would like us to switch it out for something more psychedelic-POP or op art later down the line but the scale seems nice and the color pallet really compliments our tattered friend on the wall opposite.

Before we start purchasing or making giant art, we really need to touch up some of the paint and buy a bunch of shit like a sexier fruit bowl.

Bar Reference: chronicles de la drunkles.

Is it sad or ironic that I'm writing this post while hungover? A hangover that was curated on a Tuesday night at home where nothing was being celebrated? Last night Brandon and I had plans to go normalling at the grocery store but instead I decided we should eat a small amount of leftover Ajiaco chased by 5 cocktails. Totes puked.

PS. I'm not always such a drunken whore. Don't judge. You don't know me.

Here's our dangerous cocktail recipe: I call it "The February Fakeout"

In a lowball glass add:
1once of Monopolowa
1/2 once of Brandon's homemade llimoncello
1 giant icecube
4 oz of sodawater
splash of orange bitters
stir
drink
repeat


Anyway this post is supposed to be aesthetic reference for the bar at our house, not  chronicles de la drunkles.
 Soooo.......
We have a weird french door closet in the main room of our house. Instead of using that space for storage or putting a miniature office in there or whatever it is that other people might be drawn to we have decided to build out a bar.

First things first would be a coat of black paint on the interior so that the closet recedes. Secondly the fugged curtains fashioned out of a sheet will be removed.

Then we need to shop for shit:

Some classy old table type thinger
 One of those airstream soda water mahcines
Esque studio and No. 1 Son (Bar)barian stuff
A fruit bowl for limes
an ice bucket
Some horn tumblers.

There are a lot of choices so I made another ghetto moodboard:

Color and Contrast from Elle Decor UK

Kitchen Obsessed

I can't stop thinking about our kitchen so I created this hideous moodboard. Obviously we haven't painted yet but we did choose a color(shade). I threw up samples of Farrow and Ball's Railings and Downpipe. When I got the samples I was sure that we would opt for the less extreme Downpipe but because our kitchen gets light from both Northern and Southern exposures it's reading too Brown. Railings ended up looking so cool and relaxing and I can't wait to get it up on the walls. We will be leaving the moldings, ceiling and cabinetry white so that, with the white tiled floor , should keep the room from feeling too dismal. Although, there is a voice in the back of my head that's looped "paint the ceiling black, paint the ceiling black". 

The table pictured is really close to the table we have in there currently so I'm trying not to fantasize too much about switching it just yet. It's made of walnut, it's in good condition, it's absolutely was not stolen from a restaurant's basement the day we moved.

We've also been considering moving the Antelope head into our kitchen. Brandon's grandfather shot that thing in the 50's or something and I'm pretty sure they ate the corpse afterward so that's cool. The antelope head could really use some refurbishing since plaster dust falls out of it's nose making it look like a forgotten soul from Studio 54.

While shopping around our apartment we have considered moving in a 70's tan painting of waves. It's signed by an artist called "LETTERMAN".  From what I've been able to gather online, Letterman was a fake artist who's painting were mass produced by a now defunct company called Melting Pot. Apparently the fine folks at Melting Pot  had assembly lines of disabled artists that would churn out these things. Ours is different than the one pictured. The one in the mood board is a San Fransisco sailing scene. The one in our apartment is graphic waves 70's weirdness with a penisy texture on certain parts. I think it will look handsome next to the dead goat. If anyone has any information about Letterman art or Melting Pot please shoot me an email so I can amend my brain and possibly the internet.

We also have a vintage Dora Maar  vase in the livingroom which might look nice in here. The one pictured is the reproduction by Johnathon Adler. If I was going to buy an Adler pottery I would probably go with this tits jar or the classic Banana.

We still need to find some chairs for in here. We are currently using a couple vintage chairs from around the house. Right now I'm really liking these blue Supernatural chairs but they are fucking expensive so we are looking at the green knockoffs called "Marzipan chairs" from ZGallery Amazon. 

Oh and don't think I forgot about that stupid ikea pendant. I will switch that out if it kills me. 

First things first: ORDER SOME GD'D PAINT, HOMES!

THE KITCHEN: The one that made me cry

The quaintness of this kitchen may very well give me erectile dysfunction. Everything is shabby chic, white and gross.

 I'm glad we have a dishwasher but look how stupid and little it is. It's about half the width of a standard dishwasher and 100% more likely to shatter our wineglasses. Also the soap tray lid thinger exploded off of it so who knows if it actually cleans anything. I'm thinking the detergent just melts away with the first spray of water.

Nice to see someone spent so much time cleaning before we moved in... The inside of the cabinets are so nicotine stained that it looks like someone was hosting AA meetings in there. We will have to paint these, I guess. I was really hoping not to because I think that means we will have to paint the outside of the cabinets, which means we will have to paint all the molding and the doors and probably other shit I haven't realized will need to be painted...Which I hear landlords hate. Oh well. Fuck the landlord.

The kitchen is outfitted with hideous light fixtures. I especially hate this one from Ikea because it looks like a pile of fingernails or as Brandon described it "like shrimp having a circle jerk or gangbang orgy". God, I love him. For some reason it's hard to take a photo that really captures how FUGGED it looks.

  Look at the nasty hardware. It's dirtier than anything and has been painted over many times. I saw a post on http://www.doorsixteen.com/ once that showed how to fix this. It looked tedious and annoying but if I don't do it I might die. I'm going to try...eventually... most likely when I end up repainting all of those saltlick-bastard cabinets.

First things first:

We want to paint this kitchen blackish as I mentioned before. This is the fun exciting part. The part where people have come over and told us we are crazy and even "retarded".  I'll show that bitch she's wrong. I'm liking all this Farrow and Ball reference I found.   Farrow and Ball paints are super expensive though so I will probably just buy the sample cans and have them color matched somewhere local once I make a decision.

I'm thinking about a Petrol Blue color like Farrow and Ball's Hague Blue...I like it but it may look a little weirdzies in our kitchen. Perhaps We can think about that color in the guest bath?

Maybe black is too extreme and we should consider a Deep Gray like Farrow and Ball's Downpipe or Railings.

\

But damn I love pitch black.

We also need to have some colorful chairs up in hurr. I think we want something old and awesome like these bad boys...

...or these vintage deals by Joe Colombo

...Or these supernatural chairs by Moroso...(but you know... in that miraculous don't cost more money than god sorta way...

Or we will just give up like everyone else and go to Ikea...Wait no. No we wont. At least not for furniture. Ikea furniture is not allowed any more.

IT'S ALMOST OURS!

We are just waiting on the cunts at our current building to confirm that we live there...Then we get to sign for Maison de la tempête osseuse. Now it's time to over-think paint.

The place is currently beige and white everywhere. Um no! The beige is not too bad. It's actually a fairly deep khaki so I may leave it up in the office but I wont survive a brown livingroom. No fucking way. Gross. Currently we are talking about making the kitchen black but I'm also considering deep oceany teals, greens and blues.

 The bathroom on the main floor might need a nice creamy malachite green... like Farrow and Ball's Arsenic. A big no to poopy, rust, pancake batter or sage colors that remind me that I live in Portland or that my neighbors are really into burningman. This apartment will not look like whole foods.